Yo soy La Lay

My baby is two now and friends, I cannot handle it. Not even a little bit.

There’s something about watching the last baby cross off her milestones that is simultaneously relieving and heartbreaking. Goodbye bottle parts, goodbye baby coos, goodbye spit up, goodbye toothless grins. Be still my heart!

There’s no baby left in Two.

I didn’t write a word about her first birthday because I couldn’t bring myself to do it. At two (now that we see that little temper coming through), I think about how she’s going to resent me in 10 years if I don’t write this down. 😬

Lauren is 90% comic relief, 10% get the heck out of the way. She is the queen… the absolute queen of funny faces. She knows how to make people laugh, and doesn’t hold back from doing so. Some of the first words she learned were “let go” and “stop it.” You can try to be mad at her, but be careful, because her anger will bite you right back.

Lauren’s big sisters are part siblings, part extra parents. They love to baby her. Just this week, she got her first time out and as she sobbed on the living room chair, Ellie came it to let us know that “time out is probably not very age-appropriate” for her sister…. and Tessa followed quickly behind with her hands on her hips, reminding us, “be nice to my Wauren.”

We have our work cut out for us.

She’s a blessing, this crazy little girl…. a little bookend that holds up the other two, and maybe all of us, when life gets hectic. She’s the child that curls up in your lap to look at pictures of her family and friends, the one who waves at strangers in the store, who got my sweet tooth and John’s sense of humor. She loves dogs and trucks and sliding down great big slides made for children much older than she.

She is fearless.

Happy birthday, Lauren Ann! Slow down just a little bit, would you?? I just want to hold on to this baby for a little while longer. ❤️

My little sunshine girl is five.

Let the annual birthday crying commence.

As I sent her off to bed tonight, I gave her a great big hug and told her to sleep good for her last night of being four. We’ve been practicing her new age all weekend. She is excited to be five because darn it, it is hard to make that thumb go down when you’re trying to make the number four with your fingers. Five is easier – a whole hand.

Her stubby little wiggly fingers are one of my favorite parts of Tessa. Her hands always make me smile. I hold them often to keep her from running, and she has easily learned to wriggle herself away from my grip so she can run fast and free.

Golly, I just want to bottle her up and keep her exactly the way she is!

Since having Lauren, and knowing that unless God somehow gets a little cray cray on us, we’re done, I find my breath catching in my chest when I think about all these sweet girls catapulting toward adulthood. Oh Tessa… her heart is bursting with joy for the tiniest of delights – a sprinkle of “dust” (Parmesan cheese) on top of her pizza, some 80s Hair Band music on Daddy’s phone, the tiniest piece of chocolate after dinner. I don’t want to lose this.

I don’t ever want to lose this.

I will take the stubborn refusals and the belligerent No’s if I can just keep the joy in her. Because for all the frustrating moments that raising any child can bring, with her, the happiness is so much more.

To my dear sweet girl on your birthday, I love you so much. From tiny little NICU baby, to headstrong little girl, every day is an adventure that we could never have predicted. You filled a hole in me that I didn’t know was there. I’m so grateful for every little piece of you. ❤️

Rainy Fall Night Chili

1 pack sweet Italian turkey sausage

1 lb. lean ground beef (I use 90/10)

1 purple onion, chopped

2-ish stalks of celery, chopped

A lot of garlic (as much as you think is good and then double it)

1 28 oz. can crushed tomatoes

1 16 oz. can fire roasted diced tomatoes

1 can light kidney beans, drained and rinsed

1 packet low-sodium chili seasoning

Pepper, to taste

1-2 tablespoons paprika

1-2 tablespoons Adobo seasoning (can be found in pretty much any grocery store, even Aldi)

Barbecue sauce (I dunno, maybe a quarter cup??)

Push sauté on the Instant Pot and throw in the meat. Cook until it’s pretty much brown. Remove with a slotted spoon and throw in the chopped onion, celery, and garlic. Once the veggies are soft, add all the spices and stir it up so it looks thick and delicious. Stir in the meat, tomatoes, beans, and barbecue sauce. Cook on high pressure for 25 minutes, then quick release.

If you don’t have an Instant Pot, well, you’re missing out. You can probably make this in a crock pot or on the stove top with much more effort, but seriously, jump on the IP bandwagon.

And yes, that’s InSTANT pot, not InSTApot. Please and thanks.

Serve with your favorite toppings, crusty bread, good wine, and a classic movie.

Welcome, Fall. ❤️

At an absurdly early hour on Friday morning, I woke up in my hotel room in Phoenix with nothing to do, nowhere to be, and no one calling my name for help. It was not an acceptable time to start texting my fellow Rockin’ moms, nor was I quite awake enough to be social anyway.

The freedom in this moment was just slightly overwhelming, but came with such a tremendous sense of relief that I legitimately held a silent, 30-second dance party in the hotel bathroom. I pulled on my swimsuit, grabbed a water bottle, and ran out to find a shady spot by the pool. Whatever the day would bring, I was ready to embrace it.

What I have come to love the most about the DSDN Rockin’ Mom Retreat each year is the ability to take what I need for me in each moment. Now with my third retreat under my belt, I have a keen understanding of what my soul needs in order to walk away feeling wholly recharged – and the confidence to spend three days selfishly meeting those needs.

I choose the word selfishly intentionally here, because of the fabulous Brian Donovan and his pep talk for all of us on Saturday afternoon. When we talked about how hard it can be for us as moms to advocate for our own needs – to say to my family that you all need to just survive without me for a few days and by the way I’m taking a big ol’ chunk of the family budget just for me this month so good luck – it struck a cord with me. It is really freaking hard!!!! But, it’s either not selfish at all to do this, or selfish in the kind of heart-filling, love-growing, sanity-keeping way that is undeniably acceptable for all humans.

I want to reiterate that it took me three years to find my bearings in this experience. Three years to find the right balance of social and silence for my heart. Three years to recognize that it’s totally cool to lounge through breakfast or skip the bar for a bath and bed. Three years to find my niche, to develop my relationships with the mommas to whom I want to run and give a big bear hug when they walk into the room.

Three years to establish my tribe within the tribe.

Being in the room with 400 women who walk a similar journey is powerful. It’s complex, each of us bringing our own set of experiences and beliefs to the table, and at the Rockin’ Mom Retreat, there is room for all of us. So you go, party momma, Uber-ing back to the hotel at 3 AM. You rock, laid back momma, skipping all the scheduled events just to lounge by the pool. We’ve got you, new momma who doesn’t love Down syndrome and can’t figure out how she fits into this crazy room full of unicorn-obsessed wild ladies who all seem to know each other really well. You do you, first-timer who doesn’t want to miss a single experience on the agenda. This weekend is for you and if you listen to your heart, you will rock it.

Until Nashville, Mommas….. ⭐️⭐️⭐️

I had legitimately forgotten about my birthday until about an hour ago, when someone posted about it on Facebook. I suppose that’s what happens as you get older – your brain starts to fail you. 😂 I calculated, thanks to Google, that I will be 33 this year. I haven’t been paying much attention.

This year has brought a lot of transitions – new baby, new job, different time commitments, different relationships, different routines… With all the upheaval, I have been really internally reflective lately, on the kind of life we are building and where we are headed as a family (John has been very patient with my half-baked endeavors thus far, but has also cut me off from any self-help books for the next six months or so). Tonight, as I sat on our patio and listened to the neighborhood in peace, I laughed a little as I thought about some of the things that bring me great joy now that I never batted an eye at in years past… things that are beyond the obvious (because duh my husband and kids and family and all that jazz count too!)

1. Ice cream (I mean, ice cream has always brought me joy, let’s be honest. But now that I can’t eat as much as I want, whenever I want, I sure savor it more.)

2. Pandora Frank Sinatra Radio

3. Quiet

4. Listening to new words tumble out of the mouths of my children

5. Walking through my neighborhood

6. Filling a box for donation and getting said box out of my house and into my trunk

7. Feeding my family

8. Quiet

9. A really comfortable pair of flats

10. Bedtime stories that are not 45 pages long with an 18-sentence paragraph on each page (Yeah, I’m giving you the look, Bernstein Bears. Too. much.)

11. Old ladies who compliment the names of my girls (why this brings me joy, I have no idea)

12. A bonfire in the back yard

13. Scary Mommy

14. The Costco $1.50 hot dog and drink special

15. The way that Tessa starts each day asking for “French toast, eggs, makin (bacon), chickinuggets, fries, hot dog, ketchup, and mustard? Nooooooo mustard!” Every day, in that order.

16. Ordering in for a crowd instead of cooking for them

17. Sitting outside and listening to the neighborhood

18. Did I mention quiet?

19. Writing down one nice memory from each and every day

20. YouTube videos that teach us how to fix the stuff in our house that breaks (how did anyone live without this?!!??!)

21. Our neighbor, who is a total busybody and knows everything about everyone – and is also incredibly kind and wonderful and more than willing to call the police when semi trucks drive on our street even though there is a CLEARLY posted sign that labels this as prohibited.

22. GIFs

23. Especially the one of Judge Judy rolling her eyes.

24. Jen Hatmaker (because no other person speaks the words in my heart as well as she does. And because she inspires me to do things like eat only seven foods for one week and give all my clothes away to those in need because no one needs 43 pairs of flats… and then also to forgive myself when I go and buy new ones because I felt I was lacking the right color for my new pants 🙄)

25. Road trips!!!!!!!!!

25. Meeting my step goal for the day

26. Remembering how bright a room is when I finally change a burnt out lightbulb after like 3 months.

27. I feel the need to include ice cream again.

28. A glass of cool white wine

29. Air conditioning

30. Fresh flowers in my living room

31. Falling asleep while reading

32. People watching

33. The kindness of strangers who hold open doors, give me their cart at Aldi, or find other small ways to help life feel just a little less chaotic.

I am grateful for life as it is now, in this moment. As messy and chaotic as I feel most days, there is so much beauty in standing firm in faith, in family, and in loving all the details of our life. Lord knows it is not perfect, but gosh, is it good.

I am, in no way, shape, or form, a poet.  Truth be told, I don’t really even like poetry.  Shel Silverstein is great, but otherwise, poems are really above my level of brain power.

However.

This morning I woke up on my ninth wedding anniversary and all I kept thinking was “Nine Nine Bust a Rhyme,” which is part of a game we used to play in college.  It was one of those earworm phrases that I could not get out.  So today I submit to you a poem, in honor of my hubs, along with my apologizes for bad rhymes and other poetic offenses.

Nine years ago today

In a church that’s not too far

We said our vows

And friends said Wow!

(They loved the open bar)

The wedding was so great

Our trip to Mexico too

But even better

Than that day

Is my marriage now to you

(aww)

We were so very young that day

Had barely lived we thought

And here we are

Three kids two cars

And all the clothes that we have bought

Our children are so crazy

They make us laugh all day

But also though

Our hair of gold

Is turning now to gray

Most Fridays we eat pizza

Watch Shark Tank on the couch

Sometimes there’s wine

Red’s yours, white’s mine

And at Scrabble, you’re no slouch

You let me call you Jefe

Even though I am the boss

Though honestly

It seems to me

You get your point across

(when making choices)

(that is a terribly written verse)

(sorry)

I am so bad at poetry

I hope you can forgive

And when I fall asleep

At eight

Whatever dude, you’ll live.

I really need to end this poem

I can’t find a way to stop

But since you’ve brought

The Crazies home

They need their lollipops

(Dear God, this is the worst poem ever)

Ok that’s it, I’ve gone too far

I just want to share my love

You are the best

Man that I know

God sent you from above.

The end.

(Look as us.  We were BABIES!)

I will set my alarm for 4:26 AM for the last time tonight. Wake-ups in my new job will be earlier than many, but not middle-of-the-wee-hours early. It feels weird.

It has been a slow fade, this goodbye. I knew in February that I would be moving to a new position in the next school year. It seems like the last two months or so have been a reminder of work that I will leave unfinished. Projects started and handed over, next steps left to someone besides me.

It’s quite sad, really.

But still.

I sat out on our patio this morning and watched the girls play on their new swing set. I listened as Ellie and Tessa chattered away, playing with their figurines together. I heard Tessa string together reasonable statements in their imaginary play, and smiled as Ellie slipped into Spanish for a brief moment, then back to English again.

I know why we did this. I have an inkling as to why God is pushing me in this direction, why He planted us here and now. My calling has been here, in this town, for as many years as I could have had a calling. It was just a matter of when and how I would land in this space. It doesn’t ease the trepidation, the heartache, the melancholy panic of transitioning to the unknown, but it reminds me that there is a place where I am needed.

I am grateful for that.

I am certain that I will not miss 4:26 AM, nor the afternoon traffic. The people, though, they are a different story. There is not much that compares to the people. 10 years of my Cougars… it’s difficult to say goodbye. It’s the right time, and a hard time all the same.

On to the next adventure….

About a month ago, Tessa escaped a very secure deck and was found meandering in the street by a particularly hazardous neighborhood intersection.

The little booger saw a moment of opportunity (a gate that was not fully latched by another child) and, quite literally, ran with it.

I can’t understand where the (fill in expletive) she thinks that she is going. I mean really truly, ????????? Running is not a new behavior for Tessa. I mean, I suppose that in the grand scheme of life, she’s only been walking for about 18 months, but even before she was running, she was a speed crawler. I remember bringing her to Family Friday with our local group, and chasing after her as she tore off on all fours toward any open space that she wasn’t supposed to be. And in her walker, well, we’ll never forget her little foray into the men’s washroom at the local mall.

(Dear Lord, thank you again for the non-creepy man who swiftly lead her back out to safety.)

For our recent Spring Break trip, we purchased a (amazing and super cheap) double stroller on Amazon, as a way to keep her corralled when needed. I have been anti-double stroller for a long time, because in my world if you can walk, you walk. However, with Lauren being at the age she is, we thought this particular stroller was a need for the trip. In any case, here is how the trip went:

Crowded and chaotic location: Out of the stroller, Tessa runs. In the stroller, buckled in, Tessa puts her feet on the ground, stands up, and tries to run, pulling the stroller and Lauren along with her.

Wide-freaking-open field with full permission to frolic at will: Tessa stops, and sometimes flops, then begs to be carried back to the car.

Our current strategy for managing this behavior is telling her to “stay close,” which works approximately 38% of the time.

I just want to figure out where she is going. It is probably a futile effort, but I feel like if I understood the antecedent of the behavior (yes, I’ve got some new lingo from all my reading on this 🙄), I might be able to stop it from happening.

There’s no freaking rhyme or reason!!!!!!!

In the meantime, I’m just investing lots of money in locks, door alarms, and maybe some new running shoes. For me. She doesn’t need any more motivation to get going.

Self-care – so important

Equally as important: Family care

If you remember back in January, my resolution for the year was to write once a week. In the blogging world, it was almost three months before I wrote again. I have taken to writing a quick, one-to-two sentence reflection on our day each night before bed (counts as writing?), but devoting the time and energy to words on the page has been a monumental task in recent months. And for once, it isn’t about self-care. It’s about family.

Self-care has become a ritual for me. I know when I need a break. And I know what helps me regroup, and thankfully, I have a support system to turn to when I am in need. My family is no different – sometimes, we just need to reconnect. Routines and busyness and homework and screens and commitments and budgets and errands and all of the things keep us from each other. This year, what I found in the this long and snowy winter, was that my family was in need of some refocusing. In late January, when emotions were running high and cabin fever was at its peak, I began hatching a plan in my head to get us out of the funk: a little Spring Break road trip to relearn to love and appreciate each other.

It’s funny, because I know that vacations can also bring out the worst in our families; the lack of routine, the rushing around to fit everything in… it can be unpleasant. So when we finally chose a destination (Kansas City), my mission became getting ready for the trip, but also holding myself back from overly preparing.

For me, that meant doing just two things: booking a hotel, and packing our suitcases. We had no prearranged plans. We had no tickets purchased or hopes for what we would do or see. People laughed when we said we were headed to Kansas City. “Why? Do you have family there?” I was often asked. I had no answer – no, no family, but I googled it once and they have a zoo, so worst case scenario, we would just end up there! Time for an adventure.

Friends, it was perfect.

Now don’t get me wrong here, it was not *actually* perfect. Tessa’s running was a real pain in the ass. Lauren did not appreciate the long hours in the car. There were no naps. And we definitely went over budget. But we had a blast. We followed our intuition and did what felt right in the moment. With no expectations and no time constraints, no one cared about sitting in the car for 15 minutes deciding on the next stop. There was no worry about inconveniencing anyone with our need to eat dinner at 4:30. And on our last night, as my three girls giggled themselves to sleep in a way that I haven’t heard…. well, frankly, ever, I knew we had gotten this right.

Kansas City, you were good to us. Thanks for the giggles.