Three times I’ve written this and three times, it has been deleted.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am 100% stuck in a rut. Miss Cranky Pants? Oh yeah, that’s me.
My hope is that just throwing this out there will somehow help me to snap out of it. I have been told many times that my feelings about developmental delays will ebb and flow… It’s so true. I don’t know if this crabby phase is an “ebb” or a “flow”, but it’s where I am right now.
This all began (kind of) with the planning of Tessa’s first birthday party, which is in a month. I’m thinking a lot about the milestones that are commonly associated with the first year – walking, using a cup, eating table food, first words – and thinking about how hard she is working and how far away these milestones seem to be. She will do them all in her own time. Today, I just wish that one thing would be easy for her. Just one.
I think a lot of this was magnified by the Thanksgiving holiday and time to catch up with family and friends. I found myself talking a lot about what we are working on in therapy and how she is doing. I have an idea in my brain that people have expectations for what an almost-one-year-old should be like. And somehow, I have convinced myself that if people see her and she isn’t that way, the way they are expecting, then they will feel bad for us. Pity is the absolute last thing I want.
She’s so little! Someday, she’ll have her own personality and talents. They are already locked in her little brain somewhere. Because of Down syndrome, the puzzle is a little trickier to figure out, but her strengths will emerge. Rather than frustration, what I really want to feel is cheers for how hard she has worked and how far she has come. She’s army-crawling. She’s holding her own bottle. She’s mostly sitting. She’s babbling like crazy. It’s progress.
In all of this, I would change nothing. Just as I would not change any of the aspects of myself that I struggle with, neither would I in her. All of this serves a purpose. All of the ebbs and flows and smiles and tears and everything else that comes along with an extra chromosome is part of her role in this crazy world. She and all of us are better for it.
There. I’ve said it. I’m in a funk. But I’m feeling better already.
A little cuteness, perhaps? Just one picture today. It’s Tessa, in a restaurant high chair for the first time, while out on a special date with Mommy and Daddy all by herself. Just try not to smile when you see this face…
Yo soy La Lay 
You know, it is never easy. My advice, talk to your doctors about early interventions for school. I know she is young, but there are lots of programs that start very early in life. Don’t waste her time. She can do it….you will see. Good luck.
Oh yes, we have lots of therapies already! We started when she was 4 weeks old and I have really seen how it benefits her already. 🙂
Hang in there.. this funk shall pass. Big cyber hug. And yeah for Tessa sitting in a restaurant highchair!!
Thanks! I need hugs these day!
There is no way to look at that little face and not smile back at my computer. Gorgeous.
I know exactly what you mean about everything! I feel like every time Eva achieves a new milestone and I have this huge feeling of enjoyment but it’s quickly followed by “what next?” I have dreams all the time of her doing things she can’t do yet, like crawling and talking. In my dream I am always so thrilled but saying to people, “see, she’s not behind at all!” I wake up feeling a bit empty.
I also know the pity stuff is the worst. Everytime I go out with Eva I can feel people looking at her. Not unkindly, but just looking. I can feel them thinking and feeling sorry for her and for me. I usually just don’t look at them because I don’t want to catch that look.
So I guess I don’t have any wise words, or words of comfort even. Just solidarity from one mama going through ebbs and flows just like you! xx
Solidarity is exactly what I need these days. 🙂
Just think…she is only a baby once. In a year, she will be a completely different girl with new as abilities and new challenges. Enjoy her littleness…As long as it is taking, this time is still short-lived!