Yo soy La Lay

adventures in family, faith, and Down syndrome

Peace, not perfection

I never tire of the holidays.

I have no max input of twinkly lights.

Buying presents does not exhaust me.  I could wrap for days and days.

I love the endless onslaught of Christmas cookies.

I have no fear of the rush to move from house to house, visiting with family and friends, enjoying coziness and cheer and gingerbread house making and ALL OF THE HOLIDAY THINGS.

(I have probably grown tired of the Trolls Holiday Special but that is beside the point.  Those creatures are annoying.)

I am sure that much of my love of this season stems from the fact that I have two love languages: gifts and quality time.  The American Christmas Season was made for people like me.  I mean seriously – all we do from Thanksgiving through New Years Day is what I love – buy things and love on each other through endless holiday gatherings.

Sometimes where I falter is in reminding myself that the American Christmas Season was not made for all of the people I love.

Eek.

For example, about a week ago, my parents took me and the rest of the ladies in the family to an afternoon performance of The Nutcracker.  I imagined a magical afternoon with my girls, their faces lit up with unbridled excitement at the costumes and the music and the dancing.  As the performance drew nearer though, I began to have some trepidation of how Tessa would respond to the theater environment.  In general she has struggled in concerts, performances, and other events where there is clapping and lots of sensory input.  In the name of including her, we forged ahead with the day, and I was hell-bent on making this a great experience.

Until it wasn’t.

Before the curtain even went up, it was apparent that she was going to sob her way through the performance (I suspect in fear of the moment that applause would break out).  It didn’t matter if I covered her ears or found some other way to block out the noise, she was not going to have it and my magical day with the girls suddenly felt heavy and sad.

I’ll be totally honest – when I ran out of the auditorium and into the bathroom with her, I cried in anger for about 15 seconds because this beautiful experience was so hard for her.  It felt really unfair.

And then, as I sat with her in the lobby and waited for John to take her home so that I could watch the show with Ellie, I thought through all of the hard things that people deal with in the holidays.  I gave myself an internal stern talking-to and reminded myself to calm the **** down.  Because seriously, this is a molehill compared to the hurt that people struggle through during what should be a sweet and festive time.

My struggle with perfection has come to head this season as I have seen my eldest start to navigate the very real irritation that I also feel when things do not go as planned.  She is as I am.  And to help her function in our world, I have to consciously choose peace in the imperfect, not in perfection.

It is not easy.  I have wanted desperately to rearrange ornaments, or people’s choices in meal times, or my child’s psychological brain function…. it’s not realistic.

Peace is not perfection.

Peace is not perfection.

There is still so much to be learned. ❤

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Quiet

I have thirty minutes of complete and utter solitude right now.

This.  Never.  Happens.

I’m sitting in a rocker, in the sunlight, drinking a beer and listening to the sounds of birds and cars and the tick tick of the cuckoo clock across the room.  It is lovely.

(Of course, never mind that I gave up alcohol for Lent and it is Holy Week, which I am sure makes it worse.  Ellie tells me that God forgives and I believe her.)

Soon the children will be home and I’ll hear the stories of their day at Oma’s house.  We will be filled up with Ellie’s laughter and Tessa’s insistence for cookies (more cookies!!) and John’s chatter about his day.  It will be a different kind of wonderful.

But for now, this.

Quiet.

Calm.

Breathe.

Lovely.

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Definition #3

 We re-did our little “office” nook in preparation for The Big Move.  It’s got a cute little bookshelf and cute little chair and it’s incredibly cozy.  While it is not ideal for blocking out the noises of the chaos in our home, it is a partial escape.  I’m still tuned in to what everyone is up to, but I just put my feet up and listen.

I find myself trying to spend a lot of time up here these days.

Somewhere in the mix of this…

and this…


 and this…

and this…

 
there needs to be peace.  
It is hard to come by right now.

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